How to be the best grandparents
Our world has changed tremendously.
Even though we sometimes feel like we are turning into our parents, the truth is that our parenthood is nothing like our parents’ and our children are nothing like what we were as children.
But one thing hasn’t changes, and that is the very significant role that grandparents play in their grandchildren’s lives.
I got the idea to write this chapter a while ago, just from observing different clinical interactions in my office. But I recently came across a book called “To be a grandmother, to be a grandfather” at our local library, written by Milcah Lamdan and Amnon By-Rab and it came right on time for this post.
So, if you’ll allow me, I will present to you a summary of the important points that I found in this book. The book describes a beginner-grandma and beginner-grandpa, who just had their first grandchild, but I do believe that most of the concepts discussed in it can be applies to all grandchildren, and not just the first.
There’s a lot more to the book, but I’ve put together the concepts that I found I could relate to the most, both personally and as a physician.
More than ten of the most inspiring thoughts to keep in mind when trying to become the best grandmother and grandfather
The secret of a second chance
Being a grandparent means having a second chance. A second chance when it comes to:
1. Taking part in raising a baby/child. How fun!
2. Doing things differently to the way you did them when you raised your own children, be it for the better or worse.
3. Re-building your relationship with the mother or father of the child – either your son or daughter. Or, as the authors of the book state “a rare opportunity to start a new relationship based on having a wonderful thing in common – parenthood.”
Whether you were the best parents in the world or had a complicated relationship with your children, this could be a great opportunity for you to get a fresh start. This is an opportunity to build something new and fix the old. We don’t get too many of those in our life, where we are given the opportunity to improve or repair relationships.
Know your place, based on the three wise monkeys
You are the grandmother and grandfather, you certainly have an important and respectful role, but you are not the child’s parents.
The book offers lots of advice with regards to this point. All the way from how to refrain from insisting to be present in the delivery room (unless you are asked to), how not to interfere with the name choice, how to avoid all sorts of criticism and how to give advice wisely and carefully.
Think about this as a version of the three wise monkeys’ proverb – you can look and listen, but talk only when you’re talked to or your help is requested.
Well okay, this may differ depending on the particular situation and your specific family, but as a rule of thumb, wait patiently until you’re asked for help.
I know you may feel that you are able to save the young couple from the frustration and the hardships that you confronted when you were younger but try to express your opinions quietly, wisely and sensibly and avoid redundant judgement, both the one you would normally direct at your own children (and their parenthood) and the one directed at your grandchildren.
Avoid competition with the other grandparents
Now that you share a common grandchild, try to develop a friendly and understanding relationship with the other grandparents, if you can.
Try to avoid worrying about all the little details
How fun! With your grandchildren you can forget about all the little daily stuff that parents worry about (pee, poop, viral infections and sleepless nights) and you can fully enjoy simply being around them.
When it comes to authority, remember that the parents are the ones responsible for the majority of the child’s upbringing and so you can just relax and enjoy spending time with your little grandchild (see more about this below).
With your new title, you can break all the little rules that were set for “proper” parenting. You are free to love your grandchildren unconditionally, without worrying about responsibility.
So simple, yet so very rewarding.
Prepare your homes for the grandchild, or in my own words – have things that will attract them
This is the title of one of the chapters in the book. It focuses on make your new grandchild’s visit to your house comfortable and safe and talks about allocating a room for them that contains all the stuff he/she might need.
All of this is, of course, important, but I would summarize this by saying do and have things that will attract your grandchild.
If you blow up an inflatable pool in your backyard for your older grandchildren, I promise you they will want to come back the following week as well, and their parents will want to bring them back as well.
My children’s grandfather moved to a new house and allocated a room to the older grandchildren, with a cozy bed and a large television. His house and this room turned into a refuge for all of his teenage grandchildren, whenever they needed some quiet time alone. And who do you think ended up benefiting the most from this arrangement? The grandfather who gets lots of visits by the grandchildren and the grandchildren who have a place they can escape to.
If there is a board game or card game that you used to enjoy playing with your children, maybe you could try playing those games with your older grandchildren and start a new tradition?
And sorry, if you are simply boring grandparents, do not be surprised if your grandchildren and their parents eventually find better things to do over the weekends.
I’m not saying provide 24/7 entertainments, obviously, but you get my point.
There is one more trick that I would suggest – choose a day for a weekly activity with your grandchild. The benefits behind engaging in a weekly activity together are great and include a sense of routine, continuity and a feeling of anticipation for the upcoming meeting.
Most importantly, be attractive.
Being a grandparent is not a sign of aging, it is a new and important role
It’s true that age-wise you are no longer who you used to be (even though there are very young grandparents out there too). But now you have a new role that can fill your life with lots of moments of happiness and fun.
Think of it as your third childhood.
Your age is an advantage for your grandchildren (and your children) and not a disadvantage.
Create memories together
The book I mentioned has 2 full pages that talk about how to buy a gift for your grandchild. That is indeed important. But I think that starting a certain age, going on adventures together and making memories is a lot more meaningful for your grandchild than getting them a toy from their favorite tv show.
Create a common hobby, go on a trip together, fly abroad together or do simple things such as watch a movie together – all of these form the base for a good long-term relationship and endless hours of mutual joy.
Always demonstrate goodness and a willingness to help
I don’t think I need to teach you grandparents this basic rule. Your smile, your generosity and your encouragement for the parents will plant the seeds for many years of joy with the grandchildren and children.
If you can, and if the parents are okay with it – give them lots of hugs and kisses
Again, each family is different when it comes to this. But the way I see it – there can’t be an interaction with grandma and grandpa without lots of hugs and kisses. My kids love cuddling with their grandma, and one of them is over 18!
Avoid being “extra”
Even as grandparents, do what feels right to you. Each one of us knows what they are willing to give and what they expect in return.
Take care of yourselves
You are no longer kids, and your recovery from illnesses that once used to be mild, takes much longer at this age. And now you are surrounded by toddlers that go to daycare and always have a runny nose. So, take care of your own health and make sure you receive adulthood vaccinations, including:
1. Vaccine for pneumonia – read more about this here.
2. Shingles vaccine – read more about this here.
3. Pertussis vaccines – read more about this here.
4. The flu shot every season – read more about this here.
And just generally, take care of yourselves so that you can enjoy your time left on this planet with your grandchildren.
In summary, read these tips but apply whatever feels right to you. I know that not all of these will feel right to all the families out there and I bet I missed out on some important stuff as well. So, if you have some good tips that I can add to this post, you’re welcome to contact me here and share your thoughts.
Enjoy, make new memories, and add some exciting content to your family life. Before you know it, you will have great-grandkids as well!
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